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*FELIX THE COTTAGER*
Poor old patronised, nondescript Fulham, yah. Knocked sick by years of head-patting and cheek-tweaking – "aah, quaint ground, ooh, lovely view, eee, great surrounding hostelries"– they've gone all zany and daring, disguising the void of their personality with beard, haircut, glasses and nickname equivalents. First, Tony Soprano – brain eternally scrambled after being offered out by Arsène Wenger – bought as many idle, egotistical artists as he could. Very very, but not very helpful for succeeding at football. Get that world! It's only cute, ole Fulham, yah, deliberately doing the opposite of what you're meant to do!
Next came intrigue. Rather than simply wait to be sacked, Soprano not only tore up the rulebook, but stitched it back together upside down, recruiting his own successor while still in office. And not any old successor, but one with a double identity: Dr Verheijen and Mr Meulensteen. Who saw that coming? No one, that's who!
As you'd expect, the Fulham, yah owner wanted an immediate part of shenanigans such as these, inspired into inventing the most counterintuitive move imaginable; in came not only Curbs, but Ray Wilkins too. Enthusiasm was duly restricted and feet utterly forsaken – an influence that extended to Premier League points, as the players paid homage to this avant-garde arrangement.
But their capricious new identity had still not been appreciated to sufficient satisfaction, so owner Shahid Khan first invested in a sleeve tattoo, before pogoing and pointing at himself to seek further attention. By now, though, the world was wise to the ruse, leaving him with no option but to find yet another manager. And because such a move had become somewhat passé, he sought the most confrontational tyrant that he could possibly find – one with nicknames like "Saddam", as in Hussein, and "Quälix", as in a portmanteau of his name and the German for "to torture". On the face of it, this is a curious appointment, given the new policy – until you spot the clever bit. Felix Magath will deliver the most un-Fulham, yah thing of all: hard work.
*QUOTE OF THE DAY*
"First half: for the Olympique de Paris soccer team, this friendly match scheduled against Caplongue was merely supposed to be one last chore before the end of the professional season. Yet no one could ever have imagined that an unknown rabies-like infection was going to spread like wildfire, turning this small town's inhabitants into ultra-violent and highly contagious creatures. For Samuel, the former golden boy who is nearing retirement, Idriss, the arrogant wunderkind, Coubert, the team's depressed coach and Solène, the young ambitious journalist, this will turn into the most important confrontation of their lives … Second half: while the rabid supporters prowl about Caplongue, which is in a state of ruin, another nightmare begins for Sam. Barricaded in the police station with other survivors, he has to face the young Cléo, his grumpy father, and Solène, who hasn't forgotten him this time. Meanwhile, Idriss and Marco, hidden in the stadium and looking for a way to escape, are also settling a few scores along the way"– the synopsis of upcoming French film release, Goal of the Dead, the splattery trailer of which you can view here.
*FIVER LETTERS*
"While reading yesterday's Fiver I was somewhat taken aback to see from the featured ad in the guardianjobs sidebar that Manchester United are looking for a manager. Either this was a generic link to the Fiver – in which case I daresay you'll be hearing a lot more about this – or the guardianjobs algorithm decided I was that holy grail of the targeted internet ad: the perfect man for the job. I can only assume that my not having been contacted directly by the club means that they intend to continue their recent policy of negotiating through an intermediary to save themselves from embarrassment if I turn them down"– Dermot McDermott.
"May I be the 1,057th pedant to inform Michael Dawson (yesterday's Bits and Bobs) that apparently there are no fewer than 11 McDonald's branches within a six-mile radius of Spurs' old training ground? Spoilt for choice. Although, being a Wensleydale lad, perhaps he is more partial to a spot of cheese and crackers than Ronald's finest"– Mark Knowles.
"Alice Cooper did tell us that 'your lips are venomous poison' (Fiver letters passim), so now I don't know what to think"– David Hopkins.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. *Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is:* Dermot McDermott.
*JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES*
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
*BITS AND BOBS*
Wayne Rooney's agent will have five and a half years to work out how to squeeze yet more money out of Manchester United after the striker agreed a new deal worth £85m … that will run until he is 33!
Diego Maradona, 53 [yes, really this time – Fiver Ed], is poised for a return to football with Deportivo Riestra, the Argentinian fifth-tier club at which he was briefly made 'spiritual coach' last year. "I'll wear whatever," shrugged the club's current No10 Victor More upon hearing the news.
Manuel Pellegrini has knocked his José Mourinho impression on the head by apologising for that pop at the Swedish referee Jonas Eriksson. "Maybe I said some things I didn't mean so I apologise for what I said," he sobbed.
In a sign of quite how badly things are going for David Moyes, Tony Pulis has offered him his backing before comparing Crystal Palace's Premier League clash with Manchester United to a Division Two game 16 years ago. "When I was manager at Gillingham Moyesy was at Preston and we locked horns there. He'll know what we're about," cheered Pulis.
Following his holid ... sorry, fact-finding tour to Brazil, Mr Roy's bucket and spade will be in action in Nice on Sunday when he attends the European Championship draw.
Fans of Shrewsbury Town are in for a thriller for the rest of the season, and hope new full-time manager Michael Jackson can make history after being appointed manager in a bid to rescue their dangerous league position. Ow! Shamone!
And, after covering 1,633 consecutive competitive games, Dave Tavener – the St Albans and Harpenden Review's football reporter – missed his first St Albans City match in 29 years when his van broke down on the M4. "It is disappointing not to complete 30 years but it had to happen sometime," he sighed.
*STILL WANT MORE?*
Ewan Murray gets his chat on with Charlie Adam, who says he's enjoying fitba more than ever under Stoke boss Ailsa from Home and Away.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
You want pictures of ciggie packets folded up into footy kits? Here you go then.
Mr Roy's attempts to make peace in Manaus were so successful that his most offensive gesture was his stiff, and rather sweaty, upper lip, writes Barry Glendenning.
Our roll-up smoking, real-ale-drinking, willow-wielding cousin, the Spin, told us to tell you that by inserting a link to Rob Smyth's Joy of Six on Kevin Pietersen, this Fiver might have been worth reading. He's probably right.
Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
*SIGN UP TO THE FIVER (AND O FIVERÃO)*
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up. And you can also now receive our weekly World Cup email, O Fiverão; this is the latest edition, and you can sign up for it here.
*PUB! PUB! PUB! PUB!*
Daniel Harristheguardian.com © 2014 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds Reported by guardian.co.uk 2 days ago.
*FELIX THE COTTAGER*
Poor old patronised, nondescript Fulham, yah. Knocked sick by years of head-patting and cheek-tweaking – "aah, quaint ground, ooh, lovely view, eee, great surrounding hostelries"– they've gone all zany and daring, disguising the void of their personality with beard, haircut, glasses and nickname equivalents. First, Tony Soprano – brain eternally scrambled after being offered out by Arsène Wenger – bought as many idle, egotistical artists as he could. Very very, but not very helpful for succeeding at football. Get that world! It's only cute, ole Fulham, yah, deliberately doing the opposite of what you're meant to do!
Next came intrigue. Rather than simply wait to be sacked, Soprano not only tore up the rulebook, but stitched it back together upside down, recruiting his own successor while still in office. And not any old successor, but one with a double identity: Dr Verheijen and Mr Meulensteen. Who saw that coming? No one, that's who!
As you'd expect, the Fulham, yah owner wanted an immediate part of shenanigans such as these, inspired into inventing the most counterintuitive move imaginable; in came not only Curbs, but Ray Wilkins too. Enthusiasm was duly restricted and feet utterly forsaken – an influence that extended to Premier League points, as the players paid homage to this avant-garde arrangement.
But their capricious new identity had still not been appreciated to sufficient satisfaction, so owner Shahid Khan first invested in a sleeve tattoo, before pogoing and pointing at himself to seek further attention. By now, though, the world was wise to the ruse, leaving him with no option but to find yet another manager. And because such a move had become somewhat passé, he sought the most confrontational tyrant that he could possibly find – one with nicknames like "Saddam", as in Hussein, and "Quälix", as in a portmanteau of his name and the German for "to torture". On the face of it, this is a curious appointment, given the new policy – until you spot the clever bit. Felix Magath will deliver the most un-Fulham, yah thing of all: hard work.
*QUOTE OF THE DAY*
"First half: for the Olympique de Paris soccer team, this friendly match scheduled against Caplongue was merely supposed to be one last chore before the end of the professional season. Yet no one could ever have imagined that an unknown rabies-like infection was going to spread like wildfire, turning this small town's inhabitants into ultra-violent and highly contagious creatures. For Samuel, the former golden boy who is nearing retirement, Idriss, the arrogant wunderkind, Coubert, the team's depressed coach and Solène, the young ambitious journalist, this will turn into the most important confrontation of their lives … Second half: while the rabid supporters prowl about Caplongue, which is in a state of ruin, another nightmare begins for Sam. Barricaded in the police station with other survivors, he has to face the young Cléo, his grumpy father, and Solène, who hasn't forgotten him this time. Meanwhile, Idriss and Marco, hidden in the stadium and looking for a way to escape, are also settling a few scores along the way"– the synopsis of upcoming French film release, Goal of the Dead, the splattery trailer of which you can view here.
*FIVER LETTERS*
"While reading yesterday's Fiver I was somewhat taken aback to see from the featured ad in the guardianjobs sidebar that Manchester United are looking for a manager. Either this was a generic link to the Fiver – in which case I daresay you'll be hearing a lot more about this – or the guardianjobs algorithm decided I was that holy grail of the targeted internet ad: the perfect man for the job. I can only assume that my not having been contacted directly by the club means that they intend to continue their recent policy of negotiating through an intermediary to save themselves from embarrassment if I turn them down"– Dermot McDermott.
"May I be the 1,057th pedant to inform Michael Dawson (yesterday's Bits and Bobs) that apparently there are no fewer than 11 McDonald's branches within a six-mile radius of Spurs' old training ground? Spoilt for choice. Although, being a Wensleydale lad, perhaps he is more partial to a spot of cheese and crackers than Ronald's finest"– Mark Knowles.
"Alice Cooper did tell us that 'your lips are venomous poison' (Fiver letters passim), so now I don't know what to think"– David Hopkins.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. *Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is:* Dermot McDermott.
*JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES*
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
*BITS AND BOBS*
Wayne Rooney's agent will have five and a half years to work out how to squeeze yet more money out of Manchester United after the striker agreed a new deal worth £85m … that will run until he is 33!
Diego Maradona, 53 [yes, really this time – Fiver Ed], is poised for a return to football with Deportivo Riestra, the Argentinian fifth-tier club at which he was briefly made 'spiritual coach' last year. "I'll wear whatever," shrugged the club's current No10 Victor More upon hearing the news.
Manuel Pellegrini has knocked his José Mourinho impression on the head by apologising for that pop at the Swedish referee Jonas Eriksson. "Maybe I said some things I didn't mean so I apologise for what I said," he sobbed.
In a sign of quite how badly things are going for David Moyes, Tony Pulis has offered him his backing before comparing Crystal Palace's Premier League clash with Manchester United to a Division Two game 16 years ago. "When I was manager at Gillingham Moyesy was at Preston and we locked horns there. He'll know what we're about," cheered Pulis.
Following his holid ... sorry, fact-finding tour to Brazil, Mr Roy's bucket and spade will be in action in Nice on Sunday when he attends the European Championship draw.
Fans of Shrewsbury Town are in for a thriller for the rest of the season, and hope new full-time manager Michael Jackson can make history after being appointed manager in a bid to rescue their dangerous league position. Ow! Shamone!
And, after covering 1,633 consecutive competitive games, Dave Tavener – the St Albans and Harpenden Review's football reporter – missed his first St Albans City match in 29 years when his van broke down on the M4. "It is disappointing not to complete 30 years but it had to happen sometime," he sighed.
*STILL WANT MORE?*
Ewan Murray gets his chat on with Charlie Adam, who says he's enjoying fitba more than ever under Stoke boss Ailsa from Home and Away.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
You want pictures of ciggie packets folded up into footy kits? Here you go then.
Mr Roy's attempts to make peace in Manaus were so successful that his most offensive gesture was his stiff, and rather sweaty, upper lip, writes Barry Glendenning.
Our roll-up smoking, real-ale-drinking, willow-wielding cousin, the Spin, told us to tell you that by inserting a link to Rob Smyth's Joy of Six on Kevin Pietersen, this Fiver might have been worth reading. He's probably right.
Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
*SIGN UP TO THE FIVER (AND O FIVERÃO)*
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up. And you can also now receive our weekly World Cup email, O Fiverão; this is the latest edition, and you can sign up for it here.
*PUB! PUB! PUB! PUB!*
Daniel Harristheguardian.com © 2014 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds Reported by guardian.co.uk 2 days ago.